Consequences and Character

I woke up this morning to the rain spinning and swirling loudly down the gutter next to my bedroom window. It was the strangest sound. It almost roared as the wind and rain swirled together and poured downward towards the ground. It actually took me a minute to figure out what in the world the sound was. It was unfamiliar and it startled me out of a deep sleep.


As I thought about that this morning during my quiet time, the Lord used it to remind me of one of the hardest parts of being a parent. I think that watching our children live out the consequences of their own poor choices is towards the top of the not so fun part of parenting. We have a natural tendency to keep them from any sort of harm so we have to be very intentional when they need to learn from their mistakes. 


Sometimes those poor choices or bad decisions mix together and swirl out of control. I have friends who are watching their children suffer from choosing the wrong friends or trying to fix one mistake with another. I am watching one of my own daughters learn a big lesson about commitment and follow through. It is so hard to see them hurting or struggling through the tough part.


But God's plan is to carry out to completion the good work that He began in them and in us. If we jump in and fix it, then we are robbing our children of the blessing of learning character. I know so many parents who are so caught up in making their children happy that they have lost sight of the goal. We are raising the next generation. The ones who will run the corporations. The ones who will run this country. The ones who will be the teachers and the doctors and the parents of our grandchildren.


As hard as it is to see them suffer, we must allow the lessons to be learned. That is how character is formed. Not by the rules that were broken or the mistakes that were made but by the consequences that come because of their actions. No matter how big or small the consequences may be.


Last night, as we were dealing with a consequence in our own home, my husband had to remind me of this truth. The mom in me wanted so badly to justify the issue because it was causing me to feel uncomfortable. I felt like I was the one made to look bad as a result of my daughter's choices. It was simply a matter of her being motivated and following through with the expectations that were given to her by a coach. But to me, it felt like a character flaw that was my job to teach her. I felt like I had done something wrong because she did not meet the expectation. Somehow I was to blame for her character flaw.


Danny reminded me that character is something learned from experience not taught. Our actions and decisions as parents affect that experience. We can allow the consequences to be fully carried out or we can step in and stop them prematurely. It is one of the hardest parenting concepts to learn. But as we mess it up and try again, then we too are gaining character.


Thank goodness for His grace. It gives us the strength to keep going. The strength to love our children enough to allow the consequences. The strength to wait it out. The strength to be the parent and not the friend. The strength to realize that our children's actions do not always reflect a lack of our parenting skills. The strength to watch as the Lord molds and shapes them in His refining fire. The strength to remember that our Hope is in what we cannot see. The strength to gain the character we so desperately want to see in our own children.

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, 

because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 

perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Romans 5:3-4