If mama ain't happy...

I have journaled for a number of years now.  It is something I always wanted to do but never seemed to be able to actually accomplish on a daily basis. At the end of 2006, I made a choice to meet with God every morning. To write out my prayers and my thoughts. I wrote a covenant with God that I would not put pressure on myself or feel guilt if I once again failed to follow through. I found a journal devotion book that had a short story and a few scripture verses with lines along the side of the page to write your thoughts. I have been journaling ever since.


On mornings that I find a few extra moments to spend, I look back at the date of that day over the years. It is so enlightening, humbling and entertaining. Sometimes I have no idea what I was talking about or praying for, but other times I was more detailed and I can close my eyes and be back in that moment. God is so faithful to show me where I was and where He has brought me.


Yesterday I had one of those times when I was looking back. On that day in 2008, I wrote a prayer. I have no idea what I must have read that prompted it but this is what I wrote... "I pray that I can change the saying 'if mama ain't happy, then nobody is happy' to ' if mama is full of Joy then the whole family is full of Joy'".


As mothers, we hold more power in our homes than we probably realize. I have really been convicted of this over the years. For so long, I would parent and love out of my emotions. If I was happy or felt good then things went well. If I was tired or mad, then things did not. I could change the mood of the whole house with one word or one look. As I allowed myself to take a really hard look at this reality, I began to pray fervently that things would change.


Whether I am married or not, whether my husband is home every night or out of town all week, whether I have one child or six; the choice is mine each day. I can run out of my own strength or I can draw my strength from Him. It is never easy. Every day looks and feels different.


Everything usually comes down to perspective. I can view the world and my circumstances through my natural eyes or I can choose to look up and see things through faith. It is the end of the week and I am tired. But, today I choose to finish strong. Want to join me?


At the end of that same journal entry, I wrote this... "if I could start each day with the same perspective that I end each day with, then I might live the moments in between differently."


The Joy of the Lord is my strength. I hope my family can see that today.

Sister Friend

There have been times over the years that I really wondered if my girls even liked each other. There is 2 1/2 years between the older two and 3 1/2 years between the younger two. So, we have always been in different stages, different schools, and everyone had different friends. They were all close enough in age to pick on each other but far enough apart in age to not always understand each other. They have never all been in the same school and except for a few years, we were always in three different schools.


This year, my older two find themselves in a new season. They are in the same school again. But this time, they are not children. They are both young adults. And my heart has been blessed watching their friendship grow into something new. Katie is the typical oldest child and big sister. She is a nurturer by nature and she has been so sweet to her sister during her transition to a huge university. Ansley appears to be completely self-sufficient and sure of herself on the outside; but it has been very evident how much she has appreciated and needed her sister during this transition. I have always prayed that my girls would have a bond that would carry them through the tough times of life. I am watching those prayers be answered.


Sisters can make really good friends. Not always, but if we allow ourselves to love unconditionally, a sibling can be that friend that sticks with us through all lives ups and downs. They are family. They know everything about us. And they love us anyway.


As I was having my quiet time this morning, the scripture reading was Proverbs 18:24. "One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a Friend who sticks closer than a brother." In this case, a sister.


I love my friends. I love my brother. When life is hard and I need a hug, I have those people that I can run to. The physical touch or verbal affirmation that I need is found with those people. But, when it is dark and everything is quiet, my spirit needs more. The Bible is very clear that we can have a Friend that sticks closer.


Don't you love it when you are reading a scripture and then the Lord confirms it somewhere else for you. As I continued my quiet time this morning I read this in my Jesus Calling devotion, "I created your brain with the capacity to know Me as Friend and Lord simultaneously." Jesus can be our everything.


If you have a friend that feels like a sister or a brother or you have a sister or brother that is your best friend, then count your blessings. Guard that friendship and be a good friend back. Love them at all times and enjoy the hugs and smiles. But for those times when you still feel alone and you just need someone Who sticks a little bit closer, remember these things:

A friend can cry with you but Jesus can wipe away all your tears.

A friend can pray with you but Jesus can answer your prayers.

A friend can share your storm but Jesus can calm your storm.

A friend can stand by you but Jesus can stand for you.

So today, as you are being a friend or needing a friend; remember that you are fearfully and wonderfully made with a built-in Friend who sticks so close and never leaves you or forsakes you. Reflect that friendship to those around you and tell them that they can have that kind of Friend too.

Stay tuned...

Have you looked at a list of TV shows lately? I think every other show is some sort of reality show. I am with the rest of the world on this one. I do love a good reality show. Notice, I said a good reality show. Some of them are just pure trash, but a lot are very entertaining. I spend a whole hour getting all caught up in the adventure or the predicament or the lives of the contestants and then the end comes. Before you can catch your breath, the announcer says, "Stay tuned for scenes from our next episode". And, they have you. I have to tune in next time to see what happens.

Life is like that isn't it. Our daily reality is always an adventure. Some days are good. Some days are bad. Some days we want to end before they start and some days we wish could go on forever.

This morning I made a quick phone call to one of my oldest and dearest friends. I wanted to celebrate an accomplishment of one of her daughters. To a lot of people it did not look like a huge praise, but to those who have been along for the ride it was huge. Ten years ago the reality of this girl's life looked very different. Her story was one of tragedy, poor choices and heartbreak. But God had other plans. He knew the scenes from her next episode. And He allowed those of us who were willing to go along for the ride a chance to stand in the gap for her. A chance to lift up her mom when she could not see any way out. A chance to watch Him do a miracle.

I love hindsight. It is so much clearer and easier to see God's plan when we look backwards. But He offers us the chance to look forward each day in faith; remembering the scenes of our past and basking in the praises of our present. We walk into our future with trust because we can't see our next episode. He can though.

This morning I was praying for my future. The future of my girls and of my husband. I was praying for clarity and for wisdom. I was praying for purity of heart and for courage to take the next step. I feel this episode of my reality show coming to an end. I am praying that we finish strong. I can hear the Announcer saying, "Stay tuned for scenes from your next episode".

And He has me. I have hindsight to remember the great things He has done for me, for my husband, for my children and for my friends. I have His promises that He has a plan. It is a plan to prosper and not to harm. He promises that what He began will be carried out to completion. He promises that He will work all things together for good because I love Him. He promises that if I trust in Him with all my heart and don't lean on my own understanding then He will make my path straight.

So today I encourage you to look up. Stay tuned. He knows the scenes from your next episode. They are going to give you Hope and a future. He promises!

A Safe Place

When I close my eyes and think about my daddy, I usually remember what it felt like to sit in his lap and bury my head into his chest. That feeling of security and warmth and love comes crashing back into my reality. I was blessed to have a father that provided me that feeling of security. I think that is why when my world is crashing around me, I bury myself in my husband's arms and chest. It is the same feeling. I feel safe and protected and loved.


Last night Danny returned late from being gone for two days. My youngest was not feeling good. She had been in her room studying and when she heard him come in she came downstairs. I watched as she came over to the sofa and curled up beside her daddy. She wrapped her arms around him and cuddled down so that her head was buried in his chest. She felt safe and protected and loved.


My oldest daughter is my most affectionate. She is open with her hugs and her physical touch. She gives it freely to all of us. She likes to be hugged in return too. This weekend, as we were getting ready to have some heavy discussions during dinner, I felt her head go on my chest as the blessing was being said. She needed a safe place for a moment as she prepared for something that made her uncomfortable.


My middle daughter is my least affectionate. She is not one to run in and hug you. She doesn't do the "touchy, feely" thing. But she knows where her safe places are. I remember one time during her senior year of high school. She came home after a very heated and emotional discussion with a friend. He had said some things that crushed her spirit and her heart. I was sitting in the den and I heard her come in the kitchen. Before I knew it, she was in my lap sobbing in my chest. She needed to feel safe and protected and loved.


As I was reflecting on my safe place this morning, I was thinking about how blessed I am to have people in my life that make me feel safe. I am not physically feeling well today and I was having a hard time staying focused during my quiet time. I was curled up in my chair enjoying the feeling of protection and security.  As I was reading my devotion and reading scripture, I felt the Lord say very gently to me..."are you a safe place for others?".


I have learned a lot over the years about being a "beacon on the hill". A light to a dark world. I have spent a lot of time realizing that in order to move forward I have to quit looking inward and look up. As my spiritual walk has deepened and my fears have lessened, I have learned a lot about myself. I am very opinionated and usually speak my mind freely. It is my very worst trait. My biggest weakness. But over the years, the Lord has taken that impulse and changed it into a strength. When I have allowed Him to guide that impulse, He has used it mightily in others lives.


It is important that the people around me know where my strength comes from. That anyone who has a conversation with me can sense that there is something different in the way I respond to them. I mess this up a lot; but I have a safe place to go to that helps me regain my strength and look up. My earnest prayer is that I can be a safe place to the lives I encounter daily. That the people that cross my path can feel safe and protected and loved. Not judged.


If you know Jesus, then you have a safe place too. Sit back today and lean against His knees. Rest in the warmth of His everlasting arms. Bury your head in His chest and feel protected and loved. Then lift your head up and walk forward in that security. Keep your eyes open today for that person that needs a safe place. That person that is just waiting to be loved and not judged. Wrap your arms around someone today that looks like they need it. It may be the only hug they get all day!

I will dwell in the shelter of the Most High God

I will rest in the beauty of your presence 

Your faithfulness is a shield and my great reward

I will not be afraid, I will trust in the Lord ~ Dwell, by Aaron Keyes

We Cultivate what we Celebrate...

What a fun weekend. All my girls were in their own rooms. In their own beds. All at the same time for a whole weekend. My house was full. My heart was full too.

We had a big dinner on Friday night when everyone got home. I cooked all of their favorites. Everyone was represented by a dish. We laughed and told stories and ate. We sat around the table and I smiled that there were no empty seats.

My older two even got up at 7:30am on Saturday morning to drive an hour away for their little sister's cross country meet. I have always learned the most about my girls on long car rides. This one was no different. They shared their stories. They shared their frustrations. But most of all they shared part of their hearts. It never fails that if you stay in the car long enough, they start to tell you things. For us, it hasn't changed.

We spent Saturday night doing wedding planning. We worked on the guest list and talked about the logistics of the event. We had dinner with the in-laws and made sure we were all on the same page. We went over all the wedding stuff. Who does what. How it will look. What the bride and groom want from the day. All the checklist items. We talked about it all. Good, bad and indifferent. We laid out a plan. We are all moving in the same direction now.

On Sunday morning we all sat side by side in church. We worshipped together. We opened God's Word together. We hugged on friends. I got to watch my girls be loved on by their church community. They waited patiently after church while their dad and I prayed with some people. It is still the same as it has always been. We then went to yet another meal and laughed some more. A table for five. Again, my heart smiled.

Before everyone left, we went on a shopping spree. Dad opted out of this adventure. We bought a few treats. Made a wish list for the holidays. Bought a few essentials. We even cheered on one sister as she made a major purchase with her own money she had been saving. Both sisters and mom assuring her that they were the cutest boots we had ever seen and the purchase was a good one. More laughing. More stories. More memories etched in my mind and in my heart.

The older two packed up their stuff; put all the laundry that we did back in the car and headed back to school. I checked their rooms to make sure nothing was left. I cleaned up a little behind them and then shut their doors until the next time they came home. Bittersweet.

The lone sister left in the house did some homework, studied for a test with a friend and ended the day with yogurt at Five Spot. We celebrated the fact that she was chosen as one of the runners of the week for her cross country team. She ran a 4 minute PR! Exhausted. Happy. I went to bed content and blessed.

My pastor has said for as long as I can remember that we cultivate what we celebrate. As my girls have gotten older, the wisdom of that statement has become increasingly clear to me. It is true for all parts of life; but for our families it is crucial. Celebrate the times you are together; there will be a time when that changes. Celebrate your children's stories and their accomplishments. Celebrate their good choices. Celebrate their ideas and their thoughts. Celebrate who they are. One day you will look back and realize that the environment you cultivated in your home and in their hearts will reap rewards for years and generations to come. When we celebrate life, we cultivate lives that want to celebrate with others. We pour into the next generation and they will pour into the generation after them. Cultivation produces a bountiful harvest and that is always worth celebrating!

Interruptions and Insight

I am doing a study on the life of Jonah. Who would have ever thought that there would be so much insight in a little book of the Bible about a guy who ran away from God and got swallowed by a great big fish?


I have hosted a Wednesday night ladies Bible study in my home for almost 8 years now. We have taken time off here and there for different reasons; but for the most part, my den is full of women on Wednesday evenings. The faces have changed over the years. Some have been here the whole time. Some have come in and out and some are new this study. Every time I start a new study, I pray for the women that God wants to be here. And He never disappoints. But it never looks the way I think it will.


The name of this study is Jonah: Navigating a Life Interrupted. And who can not relate to interruptions? The women that sit in my den week after week have had some pretty heavy interruptions in their lives. Some have lost children. Some have lost spouses. Some have lost marriages. Some have lost jobs. There are the moms who are navigating the world of young children and moms that are learning what life is like when their children leave home. There are women navigating God's call on their lives and where He is leading them. There are women learning to face their fears and women who are learning to navigate a life away from the lies they have believed for so long.  The wisdom and "life knowledge" in that one room is astounding.


This week we talked about what interruptions look like and how we respond to them. As we shared what we had learned in our homework, it occurred to me that we seem to focus on the "big" interruptions of life because they are so obvious. But what about the everyday, every hour, even every minute interruptions?


Jonah was called by God to switch directions in the middle of a life that was going pretty well. He was told to go to a place that, not only was he scared of, but that was full of people he thought were beyond reach. Talk about a big interruption. We can relate to the reason he ran, can't we? But what about those little things that change our direction everyday. Those feelings. Those people. Those children. That spouse. That job. How do we respond to those interruptions?


One of my favorite quotes is by A. W. Tozer. "What comes to our mind when we think about God is the most important thing about us." How true is that? When those little interruptions come, how do we view them? What do they make us think about God?


At the end of each week of study there is a section to write down the main principles that most impacted us and can be of help to us as we journey through the interrupted life. These were my points this week:


1. What is my perspective of God? Do I see Him as an interruption?
2. Can I be used by God in a significant way?
3. What part of God do people see in my story?
4. Am I taking ownership in something that I should just be managing?
5. If the ultimate goal is for Jesus to be known among men and the nations, what is my part and calling?


As I end another busy week and look forward to a busy weekend, I am thinking about these questions. What about you? How do you feel about life's interruptions? What are you learning about God through them? I would love to hear your thoughts and your stories!

Royal Reality

I have spent a lot of time looking at wedding stuff lately. It is very time consuming but lots of fun. It takes a considerable amount of time to prepare and plan for the big day. Everything builds on something else. You have to have the list to determine the venue. You need to decide on colors in order to pick flowers. You have to put down deposits to hold the date. I mean, who books events 12 to 18 months in advance? You would be surprised!


As I switch to wedding mode on the days when I can, I find myself thinking a lot about my girls and their futures. When they were little I remember them dressing up like a bride. I think most little girls began to dream of their wedding very early. In some form or another. Today, as I was remembering them all dressed up for their pretend weddings; I was trying to remember when we began to talk about the real thing.


I have always had a very open and honest relationship with my girls. They know that our home is a safe place to talk about anything they want to. We try really hard to keep the "no, I am not appalled that you just said that" look on our faces. But as they got older the thought of "how in the world do you even know that" was harder to cover up! Our kitchen table has heard a lot of conversations over the years. Poor Dad. He has heard a lot over the years too. More than he probably wanted to know; but he hangs in there with us. God bless him.


I am not sure when the topic of marriage replaced the idea of a wedding. It was just a natural progression as we waded through the tricky waters of boys and relationships and dating. You really cannot do justice to those topics without bringing marriage into the discussion at some point. Of course, it depends on what your goal is. For our family, we believe that marriage is a picture of Christ and the church. If our girls find a man they want to spend the rest of their life with, then marriage is the end result.


As we have discovered what each one of our girls bent is and what their thoughts are on the opposite sex, we have encouraged them to think about what they are looking for in a future husband. Danny started praying for their future spouse from the time he put them into their cribs at night. We aren't obsessive with marriage talk; we just have given them something to think about over the years. We offer advice and show them scripture and give them a plumb line to measure their choices against. When poor choices have been made, we have something concrete to base our opinions on. God has a plan for their future; but our girls have a choice.


When the Royal Wedding came on TV, my girls set the alarm, got up and planted themselves in the den floor to watch. There were moms and college girls throwing parties to celebrate the big event. It was a modern day fairy tale and the world got to watch. The girl was actually getting her prince. 


As they went off to school and the pictures were plastered all over for hours that morning, I wrote the following note to each of my girls:


"You are already a princess. You are each a daughter of the King. Pick a boy who loves the King too. The fairy tale is possible. He has a plan for each of you! ~ love, Mom."


The world throws so much at our children. They are given false information and sometimes even down right lies about what will make them happy. But, we as parents, have a voice too. It is louder and more effective than we think. Today, the Lord has encouraged me to keep the plumb line of open, honest communication and His truth before my children. He has a plan and they have a choice. The information, opinions and prayers we offer them shapes their perspective of the future. And what they think will determine the choices they make.

A Peek at a Proposal

My oldest daughter got engaged this summer. It was a wonderful time of excitement, family and celebration. Trey, my future son-in-law allowed us to be a part of the day. Both families went early to Christ Church in St. Simons Island, GA to witness the event from afar. We set up the site per his exact instructions then found our places behind the church to wait and watch. My heart is still full from the experience. It was a beautiful day. A great way to begin a new life. It set the groundwork for their foundation they will build upon during their marriage... take a peek!

This is the scene that awaited her. Did I mention that she had no idea what was about to happen?

When she saw this, of course, she knew that something was up. He sat her down and told her not to speak. Just listen. He had a lot to say. They began by taking communion together remembering what Christ had done for them separately and agreeing to join together in covenant.

He then washed her feet symbolizing his willingness to serve her and to be a servant with her in their new life together.

He then read to her from the new Bible that was inscribed with her new last name. He read from Ephesians 5. And then he turned to Proverbs 31:10. That passage was marked by the ribbon mark and another very special gift.

Then the time came... "Will you marry me and spend a lifetime with me?"

She said... "Yes!!!!"

We all began to emerge from our hiding places. Carefully entering into this emotional scene. As he prayed over her and she recovered from all that she had just heard and seen, we surrounded them with our presence, our love, our commitment and our excitement. She turned around and the first thing she saw was her daddy...

It was a great day. A day that we were blessed to be a part of. A day that was documented in pictures. A day that is etched forever in our hearts and minds. A day that glorified the Lord. And now the fun begins. The planning. The preparations. The excitement leading up to that day in June.

Stairs of Expectations

When we first walked into this house, before we decided that this was the home for us, I stood in the front foyer. It is an open foyer with a staircase that comes down to a landing then turns and comes into the foyer. As I stood there thinking of my then young girls, I envisioned them coming down those stairs in their beautiful dresses with a boy waiting expectantly for them to go to a wonderful dance. You know, the fairy tale princess version. They would  float down the stairs smiling serenely while all of us stood there marveling at their beauty. 


Well, the real life version of that dream didn't always measure up to my fairy tale one; but we have managed to make the "stair picture" a must for every dance. I think only once has one of them actually come down the stairs as the boy stood in the foyer waiting for them, but we do manage to take a picture on that staircase every time. It has become tradition. The girls joke about the stair picture. I totaled them up on Saturday and we have 13 stair pictures and counting. But as I reflected over all those pictures, dances and dates; I realized that there was more to the "stair picture" than I had originally thought.


The rule for a dance around here is that even if you are taking pictures somewhere else, the date must pick you up here first. Danny has always insisted on this rule. Our girls know that if a boy wants to take them to a dance they must come to the door, shake their daddy's hand and take a stair picture. This was the way he had decided it was going to be before the very first daughter went to her first dance. In fact, when that first dance came around, Katie was going with a boy that we were good family friends with. They had 3 children also and had to be at 2 soccer games at the same time as the dance. We agreed to pick up the date before we thought through what that would mean. As the day approached and Danny began to think through the logistics, he realized that his rule would be broken if we all went to pick up the boy. So, he got in his car, drove to the boy's house, picked him up and drove back to our house. He parked in our driveway and had the boy go to the front door and ring the door bell. The precedent was set and the expectations were sealed. Not one daughter has argued the rule since that day.


Those stairs have come to represent more than just a picture. They represent the rules. They have helped us set the parameters of what a relationship looks like and what the expectations should be. Another rule in our house is that no boy, friend or date, is allowed upstairs. Ever. No exceptions. In fact, it becomes a joke by the time the girls get to their senior year. The boys that come through our house know the rule. As silly as it might sound, it has helped the girls to understand setting healthy boundaries. There are places that you don't make available as a hang out place. We have taught them not to blur the lines. At the end of the summer, as my oldest was packing to move back into her apartment, she asked her 22 year old fiance to help her. As I sat in the den, she bounded up the back staircase and told him to come help her. He started up the first step and then stopped and looked at me. That young man couldn't bring himself to walk up those stairs without my permission. My heart smiled!


We have learned so much over the years about dating and boys and all the rules and expectations that come along with that. We have made some wrong decisions. We have let some things slide that we later regretted. But for the most part, we have held fast to the rules. At times the girls have been frustrated with us and at times they have been down right horrified; but for the most part they understand. And we are in a season with our oldest where the benefits and the blessings are being realized. 


We live in a world that tells our children that manners and rules and expectations in relationships are a thing of the past. That anything goes. Our young girls have been convinced that boys won't like them if they have rules or expect the boys to respect them. But we have learned that the ones that are worth it will rise to the "bar" that we set before them. The boys that come through our doors still shake Danny's hand. They still open the car door for our girls. They say "yes mam" and "yes sir". Even some of the ones that maybe weren't held to such high standards, will rise to the expectations when given them.


Danny came home one day and there was a young man with one of our daughters that he had not officially met. He had come over to see her because she was not feeling well. Danny came in and shook the boys hand. After he left the room, the young man looked at our daughter and asked why Danny had grasped his hand so hard. He asked her if her dad did not like him. She replied without hesitation: "No, he just wanted you to know who was in charge!" My heart smiled again.


It has been a lot of years since I stood in my foyer and imagined the pictures that would take place on those stairs. The reality doesn't look like my first fairy tale visions. It has been so much better!!

Daddies, Daughters and Dances

They say that a picture speaks a thousand words. Well, this weekend, we had lots to take pictures of! My youngest went to her first homecoming dance. It was such a fun experience.We hosted the pictures at our house and then all of the kids in the group came back to our house after the dance for snacks and just to hang out. 


As we gathered together in our back yard, I was once again reminded how important community is. The girls were all dressed up and so excited to see each other. The boys were all dressed up too. Not so excited to take the pictures but equally excited to see each other. We, along with a few others, were the "seasoned" parents. We have done the dance/picture thing a lot! But for most of the parents, this was their first experience. It was so nice for all of us to be together. To talk and share and get to know each other. It reminded those of us that have done this so many times before about the excitement of venturing into unchartered waters of the teenage world.


Most of the dads were there. It was fun to watch them take it all in. For most of them, it was the first time they had watched their daughters get all dressed up and for some, have a boy at their side. Danny has watched his daughter's do this countless numbers of times. He has learned over the years how it all works. But, those lessons, came with a few tears.


The very first dance our oldest went to was her 9th grade homecoming. She was so excited. She went with a friend to have her hair done. Danny and I went together to pick her up. She came out to the car and looked expectantly at her daddy to see what his reaction was going to be. Well, she looked beautiful, but very different from the little girl that we were used to. Her daddy's response was something about how she looked good but that he liked the way she always wore her hair.


Tears flowed immediately. She was crushed. He was confused. I was caught between which one to respond to first. We worked through the issue and convinced her that she looked great and that her hair was perfect for the dress she was wearing. She ended up having a great time.


But the part I remember most about that whole ordeal was that Danny chose to learn from it. He honestly did not know why she reacted the was she did. But instead of getting angry or just letting me deal with all of it, he chose to learn. He listened as I  explained what was important to a girl and why. He talked with his daughters and got to know what they thought and why. He made a conscious effort that day to be an active part of his girls lives. All of their lives; not just the part he understood.


There have been more tears over the years, but the lesson of that day has made a lasting impact on my daughter's lives. They have a father that loves them. Everything about them. Even what their hair looks like for a dance. He has given up countless fishing trips and hunting trips to be there for them. He waits patiently for them to get ready and then beams when they come down the stairs. They are his princesses and they know it. He loves them unconditionally and they know it.


As I watched him stand in our driveway with all of the other dads on Homecoming, I was reminded of how God works. Danny was able to encourage those dads as they were trying to figure out what the girl world is all about. He was telling them stories about some of the memorable moments of raising daughters. Here was this "manly" man talking about the girl things that comprise a large part of his life.  He was able to tell the stories because he was a part of them. He was there. 


I was blessed to have a father who loved me that way too. He helped me to form a positive picture of who my Heavenly Father was. Danny is doing the same thing for his girls. They will pick boys with the same qualities that they see in their dad. We have already begun to see that truth played out in their lives. As I looked over the pictures this morning, I wrote down a lot of the stories and the memories of the past 8+ years of dances and events. It is so fun to remember. It is so fun to look forward to the new stories and memories with our youngest.


Danny and I have learned so much parenting all girls. We decided a long time ago to do this parent thing with our whole hearts and to do it together. I am humbled by the fact that this man that is such a man's man is willing to learn and to listen and to love in such a manner that is making an eternal difference in the lives of his daughters. 


Stay tuned this week... I might tell a few of the stories that taught us so much over the years. Let me know if you would like to hear them!

Rules vs Relationship

I remember when the girls were little and we had the "gold star" chart system for their chores and rewards. It was the big parent thing at the time. There was a big board posted in their bedroom with all the "chores" they were supposed to do and then the rewards they would receive for completing the task. Every night my oldest would get so excited to put her gold star in its place after she worked so hard to complete the job. She would beam as she presented us her chart with her reward she had earned circled with a smiley face at the end of the week. Her sister, on the other hand, did not share in her enthusiasm for the system. After a few weeks of not getting her reward, she proceeded to "borrow" some of her sisters stars to ensure that she got to participate in the end result.


Well, that just led to more rules and explanations. She got more frustrated with the system and her sister got more frustrated with her. We were spending most of our time punishing and explaining. Their bents were different. The way they learned and received our intent was very different. The rules were in place to teach and exhort; but somewhere along the way we noticed that we were missing their heart.


Yes, I believe that God is a God of order. I believe that we need to teach our children the basic morals and values that represent our faith. I believe that they need to know what God's Word says about choices and sin and consequences. But, in my pursuit of being a good Christian parent, I lost sight of Grace and Mercy and a repentant heart. As my walk with the Lord grew and deepened, I realized how I longed for that same relationship with my girls.


My daughter's Facebook answer under the religion section is "It is a relationship, not a religion." I am still sitting at my Teacher's feet listening and learning. As my girls have gotten older and the consequences of breaking the rules have gotten bigger, I find myself holding on tightly to my relationship with Him so that I can do justice to my relationship with them.


Each one of my children is different and we still present the rules to each one in a different way. I am in that exciting season again of learning the heart of a high schooler. Such a blessing to get to know her in this stage of her life. I am learning the heart of a college freshmen that is completely different than her sister. And I am celebrating the heart of a bride-to-be that is seeing some of the fruit of "following the rules". It is humbling when she repeats back to me the reasons she made some of her choices and the joy she feels now that we walked through those choices together.


I have no idea if my parenting ideas are correct or even acceptable in the parent books. I am doing this thing one day, one mistake, one "I am so sorry" at a time. Thank goodness that His Grace is sufficient for me. Hopefully, as I offer the same grace and mercy to my girls they see that His Grace is sufficient for them too.


I have dear friends that I have spent years with as we walk through this parent thing together. We are learning every day. I "borrow" some of their gold stars sometimes. I have no idea what the end result will be, but I know the One that does! In the meantime, I continue to sit and learn and listen. I am watching some incredible young ladies learn from the same Teacher.

Happiness vs Holiness

Many years ago a wonderful woman of God told me that God was not as concerned about my happiness as He was about my holiness. Well, I wasn't too sure how I felt about that statement. God wanted me to be happy. The Bible was all about being happy and joyful and blessed! Wasn't it?


I have thought about this a lot over the years. As I have watched my girls grow and change, I noticed that my emotions were tied most of the time to their happiness. If they were unhappy then I felt like I needed to fix something or do something. Any time they were sad or mad or upset I interpreted that to mean they were unhappy. Even if they were struggling because of the consequences of their own actions, I would put the label of unhappy on them because they were not smiling and compliant.


The world tells us "Don't worry... be happy!". The definition of happiness is: a state of well-being and contentment; a pleasurable or satisfying experience. So therefore, anything that caused me or my children to feel anything but a state of well-being made us unhappy. And that was not good, right?


I think that I thought that if my girls were not happy then I was doing something wrong. Or, if I was not happy then I must not be doing something right. I was confusing the feeling of happiness with the joy that comes from the Lord.


If you have daughters then you know all about girl drama. It is always looming around the corner. As my girls got old enough to be influenced on a daily basis by peers, I had to shift my thinking about how to parent them. I would pray for their situations and for the person who was making them unhappy. I would talk to them about how to be the bigger person and to love the unloveable. I would give them such good advice about how to handle the situation and how to feel better when they were hurting. As I stood before them, offering my prayers and advice, God gently reminded me of His plan. Because I was so busy trying to keep them happy, I was in the way of Him making them holy.


I realized that doing all the right things and saying all the right things wasn't teaching them who God really was. He wanted them to experience Him for themselves. If I stopped and got on my knees, then I would not be between them and God. His goal for them went beyond them simply being happy. He wanted to use their circumstances to transform them into the likeness of Jesus.


As my girls have gotten older, their circumstances and situations have gotten bigger. When I find myself getting caught up in their emotions or their feelings of being unhappy, I stop and remember what my wise friend told me all those years ago. My prayer has always been for them to know God. To really know Him and know who He is in their own life. He is answering that prayer as He works the bigger picture in their lives. He not only sees the circumstances; He sees the treasure behind the circumstances. He isn't as concerned with their feeling of happiness because He has a view that I don't have. He has bigger plans.


I am still happy when they are happy and I still hurt when they hurt. I still get in the way sometimes as I do the mom thing. But when I find myself waving the "let me fix it" flag in front of them, I hit my knees and get out of their line of vision. I want them to pursue holiness. To be set apart in their actions and their responses to their circumstances. I can't do that for them. But as they walk in the things they have learned in our home, they begin to look more like Him. They learn for themselves what it means to be holy.

React vs Respond

I can handle a lot of things but one of my girls getting hurt is not one of them. I react badly. I wish I could say that I was the super mom who could calmly handle all emergency situations when it comes to one of them being hurt or bleeding or being sick. But, I am not.


When Ansley was around 4 years old, she already thought that she was invincible. She was fearless. So, of course she was convinced that she could ride her sister's new big girl bike even though she had never been on a bike without training wheels. We turned our back for one second and before we knew it she was on the bike and heading down the driveway. No helmet. No experience. No fear.


Well you can guess the outcome. She actually made it to the cul-de-sac and looked back to see if we were going to notice. Then, down she went. Face first. Across the pavement. There was blood everywhere. She was screaming. I was screaming. She was crying. I was crying. Then Danny, the ever calm one, scooped her up and took her inside. I had the keys in my hand ready to go the emergency room and fix all the broken bones and get the stitches for the gashes and the x-ray for the concussion and the medicine for all the pain she was going to suffer! He had her in the bathtub washing off the blood and gravel to see what actually had happened.


There were no deep cuts. No broken bones. No signs of head trauma. Only scrapes and bruises. As soon as Dad patched her up and removed crazy mom from the room, she calmed down and was fine. She reacted to my frenzy but she responded to his calmness.


I think we handle most of life this way. We either react or we respond. Our children watch us to see which one we will choose. I think as believers other people around us watch us to see which one we will choose. I have learned the hard way over the years that choosing to respond and not react is not easy.


I think we react out of what we are feeling. That "knee-jerk" reaction. I think a lot of times we react out of fear and out of what we see happening around us. It doesn't take much thought process to react. It is immediate and quick. I even think that most of the time our reactions are based on how we feel the situation is affecting us. It comes from an inward focus.


When we respond to something it usually requires us to think. It is a little slower; takes a little more time. A response usually is outward focused. We have to look at the situation or the person. Even if we respond out of what we are feeling, when we have to stop and think it puts things into better perspective.


As I watched all the documentaries on 9-11, I was once again humbled by the selfless acts of the first responders. One reporter talked about how most of them just did what came natural to them. They reacted to the chaos around them. I am not sure I agree with that statement. Those men and women were trained to respond not to react. They did what they had spent a lot of time learning. They knew what needed to be done and they went to work despite what they were feeling.


As parents, we need to learn to respond to our children and not to react to their behavior. Our words matter and they shape their lives and the adults they will become. They learn from us how they will respond to a friend or a situation. They also learn how they will respond in an emergency or in the hard times of life. We make the choice everyday to react or to respond to every situation and every person we come in contact with.


Jesus never reacted. The disciples reacted all the time. Read the gospels with that in mind. Thank goodness Jesus picked ordinary people who had so much to learn. Makes me feel better as I continue to learn how to respond with love and kindness and self control. It is a daily pursuit. I am learning how to keep from reacting out of fear and instead, respond out of obedience.


Today is going to be a busy day. As I am typing this blog, I have gotten 3 text messages and 2 phone messages. All three of my girls need me to answer them about a pressing matter. My stress level is rising and my house is far from "ready" for my bible study tonight. There are things to do, decisions to make, people to talk to and deadlines to meet. I need to decide how I am going to respond to all of it!

 Thoughtless words cut like a sword. 

But the tongue of wise people brings healing.

proverbs 12:18

Condemnation vs Conviction

Since I have been praying and journaling about feelings, I have thought a lot about what lies we believe and how our perspective drives our actions. I have been thinking about how, sometimes, we can feel the same way about something good as we do about something bad. Perspective is everything.


I think that condemnation and conviction have the same root feeling. They both are felt when we do something wrong or don't do something right or get blamed for something that we may or may not have done. We parent with those same feelings. We either condemn or we convict.


Condemnation feels like shame and guilt. It produces a need to hide or cover up the wrong. The definition of condemnation is "strong disapproval; pronouncing as wrong; harsh criticism".


Conviction feels similar at first. It stings because we know that we are wrong. The definition of conviction is "to find guilty of a wrongdoing; a strong persuasion or belief".


A wise friend of mine told me years ago when my  girls were very young that I should begin to pray that any darkness in their lives would be revealed through the Light of Jesus while they were still in my home. At the time I thought that was a little strange. They weren't old enough for me to experience any real darkness with them. But, trusting her wisdom, I actually began to pray that over their lives. As they grew older and their lives were opened up to more and more of the world, I began to see the truth in that advice. Each time they were caught in the act or making poor choices or just being mean, I had the choice of how to parent. Would I condemn them with my words, with my silence, with my choice of punishment, or would I help them to be convicted of where they went wrong?


When my oldest two were in elementary school, we took a Bible study together. They had their class and I had mine. We all studied the same thing though. We were doing a study on Romans. At that time, we were using a notebook they would write in when they had gotten in trouble. They had to write out what they had done and then look up a Bible verse that pertained to what they had done wrong. My middle daughter (who filled up most of the pages) was once again using the notebook. She wrote in her child like way her version of what she did wrong and then in all caps she wrote out Romans 8:1. She presented it to us and announced with her hand on her hip that she was sorry for what she did but "therefore, now there was no condemnation"! After we got over the shock of her perfect context, we had to teach her the lesson of consequences.


Recently, we received a phone call from one of our daughters confessing a wrong that would bring consequences. She did not have to call us. She did not have to share the details with us. I hope that she called because she knew that nothing she could do would cause us to love her less. That she knew that we would not condemn her. That she knew that the conviction she was feeling was for her own good and that she could learn and move on; but there was a safe place she could turn to where she would receive love and prayers and understanding.


The world tries to teach our children what to think and how to feel. As parents, we have the power to teach them too. Our words and our actions speak volumes to our children. They learn quickly if they will be condemned for their actions or if they will be loved as they are guided through the consequences of their choices.


I still pray the same prayer for my girls. But for the ones that are not in my home everyday, I pray that the Light will convict them and they will feel the need to repent, rewind and refocus on their own. That they know that they are not condemned by their actions but that they are loved with a Love that can not be shaken. I pray that their perspective is being shaped by what they know to be true not by what they feel.


Condemnation brings death but conviction brings action. I pray that as I continue to offer counsel to my girls that they will continue to feel my love for them. I am learning too that I am not condemned for my mistakes in parenting. I am learning everyday how to do it better. I cannot let their actions or choices define how I feel about them. Thank goodness that the One who is teaching me doesn't let my actions or choices define how He feels about me.

Feelings vs Truth

How many times do you hear the words, "how do you feel about that"? In our self-help world, that sentence has become very common. We analyze how we feel about ourselves and how we feel about others. We worry about how people feel about us. We look at our children and wonder what they are feeling. Are they happy? Did that girl just hurt their feelings? Did that comment make her feel bad about herself? How we feel can begin to consume our thought process and our daily routine.


Being a parent brings with it all kinds of feelings and emotions. And if you are like me, you tend to get caught up in your children's feelings. Big mistake! As the mom of 3 girls, I have seen a lot of emotions and tears and feelings. I had to decide a long time ago what I was going to do with all those feelings. There was a time in my life when I thought that I would be consumed with all the emotions. The fear, the hurt, the panic, the needs, the everyday junk were overwhelming sometimes. The times when everyone seemed to have a crisis could put me in panic mode if I let myself dwell on what I was feeling and what they were feeling.


The world tells us that we have a right to our feelings. That it is okay to act on those feelings. But as with most things, I think it is a matter of our perspective. Jesus had feelings. He wept over Lazarus. He was angry when he turned over the tables in the temple. He was troubled in the Garden of Gethsemane. He was passionate with His prayers. But... He never confused His feeling with His Truth.


That is the reason I began journaling years ago. I was confusing my feelings with what I knew to be Truth. As I would write out how I was feeling then I could compare that to what I knew was God's Truth. What I found out was that my feelings were wrapped up in what was happening around me. And I found myself parenting out of those feelings a lot of time, instead of out of Truth.


Of course the key to all of this is knowing what His Truth is. I have spent a lot of years in Bible study. Getting to know what God's Word says and learning about what it means. My girls have been blessed with a church that believes in equipping the next generation with God's Word. They have been taught not only at home, but at church what Truth is. It is buried in their hearts. And I have tried to remind them over the years that what they are feeling does not always line up with the Truth.


It is a daily battle. A daily learning experience. I usually get swept away in the feelings before I remember to stop and compare it to the Truth; but the habit of thinking this way has gotten a little easier over the years. I have been thinking a lot about feelings the last few days. I am learning to ask the Lord what He wants me to know about what I am feeling compared to what I know. I am listening for His answers. As I write them down, I might share some of it with you.


How do you feel about that? 

Don't be like the people of this world,

but let God change the way you think.

Then you will know how to do everything 

that is good and pleasing to Him.

Romans 12:2