Stairs of Expectations

When we first walked into this house, before we decided that this was the home for us, I stood in the front foyer. It is an open foyer with a staircase that comes down to a landing then turns and comes into the foyer. As I stood there thinking of my then young girls, I envisioned them coming down those stairs in their beautiful dresses with a boy waiting expectantly for them to go to a wonderful dance. You know, the fairy tale princess version. They would  float down the stairs smiling serenely while all of us stood there marveling at their beauty. 


Well, the real life version of that dream didn't always measure up to my fairy tale one; but we have managed to make the "stair picture" a must for every dance. I think only once has one of them actually come down the stairs as the boy stood in the foyer waiting for them, but we do manage to take a picture on that staircase every time. It has become tradition. The girls joke about the stair picture. I totaled them up on Saturday and we have 13 stair pictures and counting. But as I reflected over all those pictures, dances and dates; I realized that there was more to the "stair picture" than I had originally thought.


The rule for a dance around here is that even if you are taking pictures somewhere else, the date must pick you up here first. Danny has always insisted on this rule. Our girls know that if a boy wants to take them to a dance they must come to the door, shake their daddy's hand and take a stair picture. This was the way he had decided it was going to be before the very first daughter went to her first dance. In fact, when that first dance came around, Katie was going with a boy that we were good family friends with. They had 3 children also and had to be at 2 soccer games at the same time as the dance. We agreed to pick up the date before we thought through what that would mean. As the day approached and Danny began to think through the logistics, he realized that his rule would be broken if we all went to pick up the boy. So, he got in his car, drove to the boy's house, picked him up and drove back to our house. He parked in our driveway and had the boy go to the front door and ring the door bell. The precedent was set and the expectations were sealed. Not one daughter has argued the rule since that day.


Those stairs have come to represent more than just a picture. They represent the rules. They have helped us set the parameters of what a relationship looks like and what the expectations should be. Another rule in our house is that no boy, friend or date, is allowed upstairs. Ever. No exceptions. In fact, it becomes a joke by the time the girls get to their senior year. The boys that come through our house know the rule. As silly as it might sound, it has helped the girls to understand setting healthy boundaries. There are places that you don't make available as a hang out place. We have taught them not to blur the lines. At the end of the summer, as my oldest was packing to move back into her apartment, she asked her 22 year old fiance to help her. As I sat in the den, she bounded up the back staircase and told him to come help her. He started up the first step and then stopped and looked at me. That young man couldn't bring himself to walk up those stairs without my permission. My heart smiled!


We have learned so much over the years about dating and boys and all the rules and expectations that come along with that. We have made some wrong decisions. We have let some things slide that we later regretted. But for the most part, we have held fast to the rules. At times the girls have been frustrated with us and at times they have been down right horrified; but for the most part they understand. And we are in a season with our oldest where the benefits and the blessings are being realized. 


We live in a world that tells our children that manners and rules and expectations in relationships are a thing of the past. That anything goes. Our young girls have been convinced that boys won't like them if they have rules or expect the boys to respect them. But we have learned that the ones that are worth it will rise to the "bar" that we set before them. The boys that come through our doors still shake Danny's hand. They still open the car door for our girls. They say "yes mam" and "yes sir". Even some of the ones that maybe weren't held to such high standards, will rise to the expectations when given them.


Danny came home one day and there was a young man with one of our daughters that he had not officially met. He had come over to see her because she was not feeling well. Danny came in and shook the boys hand. After he left the room, the young man looked at our daughter and asked why Danny had grasped his hand so hard. He asked her if her dad did not like him. She replied without hesitation: "No, he just wanted you to know who was in charge!" My heart smiled again.


It has been a lot of years since I stood in my foyer and imagined the pictures that would take place on those stairs. The reality doesn't look like my first fairy tale visions. It has been so much better!!