Rules vs Relationship

I remember when the girls were little and we had the "gold star" chart system for their chores and rewards. It was the big parent thing at the time. There was a big board posted in their bedroom with all the "chores" they were supposed to do and then the rewards they would receive for completing the task. Every night my oldest would get so excited to put her gold star in its place after she worked so hard to complete the job. She would beam as she presented us her chart with her reward she had earned circled with a smiley face at the end of the week. Her sister, on the other hand, did not share in her enthusiasm for the system. After a few weeks of not getting her reward, she proceeded to "borrow" some of her sisters stars to ensure that she got to participate in the end result.


Well, that just led to more rules and explanations. She got more frustrated with the system and her sister got more frustrated with her. We were spending most of our time punishing and explaining. Their bents were different. The way they learned and received our intent was very different. The rules were in place to teach and exhort; but somewhere along the way we noticed that we were missing their heart.


Yes, I believe that God is a God of order. I believe that we need to teach our children the basic morals and values that represent our faith. I believe that they need to know what God's Word says about choices and sin and consequences. But, in my pursuit of being a good Christian parent, I lost sight of Grace and Mercy and a repentant heart. As my walk with the Lord grew and deepened, I realized how I longed for that same relationship with my girls.


My daughter's Facebook answer under the religion section is "It is a relationship, not a religion." I am still sitting at my Teacher's feet listening and learning. As my girls have gotten older and the consequences of breaking the rules have gotten bigger, I find myself holding on tightly to my relationship with Him so that I can do justice to my relationship with them.


Each one of my children is different and we still present the rules to each one in a different way. I am in that exciting season again of learning the heart of a high schooler. Such a blessing to get to know her in this stage of her life. I am learning the heart of a college freshmen that is completely different than her sister. And I am celebrating the heart of a bride-to-be that is seeing some of the fruit of "following the rules". It is humbling when she repeats back to me the reasons she made some of her choices and the joy she feels now that we walked through those choices together.


I have no idea if my parenting ideas are correct or even acceptable in the parent books. I am doing this thing one day, one mistake, one "I am so sorry" at a time. Thank goodness that His Grace is sufficient for me. Hopefully, as I offer the same grace and mercy to my girls they see that His Grace is sufficient for them too.


I have dear friends that I have spent years with as we walk through this parent thing together. We are learning every day. I "borrow" some of their gold stars sometimes. I have no idea what the end result will be, but I know the One that does! In the meantime, I continue to sit and learn and listen. I am watching some incredible young ladies learn from the same Teacher.